Persons are complex beings.

 

Sweet Little Ice Queen

 

I love analyzing people and situations, people say its a gift. Unfortunately, I have great difficulty analyzing who I really am and I'm already in my early twenties.

 

I hope this online journal will help me sort myself out or this would be the best venue to vent out pent up cold anxiety...and share the things that make me warm, sweet and happy     (or sappy!).

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Copyright

Sweet Little Ice Queen 2004

All RIghts Reserved

 

* Monday, June 08, 2009 *

  I Want My Old Life Back

I'm not the type of person who tend to regret. I just really wanna get my old simple life back.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 8:45 PM / |

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* Thursday, November 13, 2008 *

  After A While...

"After a while you learn...the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning...And company doesn't always mean security...and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts...and presents aren't promises...and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead...with the grace of a man, not the grief of a child...and you learn to build all your roads on today...because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans...and futures have a way of falling down in midflight...after a while you learn that even sunshine burns when you get too much...so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers...and you learn that you can really endure...you really are strong...you really do have worth...and you learn...and you learn with every goodbye...you learn." - Anonymous Forwarded SMS

*sigh*

I learned.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 6:38 PM / |

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* Monday, October 13, 2008 *

  I'm Such A Neurotic

It kills.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 11:00 PM / |

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  Forgive Thy Self

The sneaky and lying episode of Mr. N brought so much anger to me the past few days. Perhaps this was heightened by the fact that I was about to and eventually had my monthly period. It's crazy this reaction of mine. So, I stepped back and assessed "why" I was feeling so much anger.

These things I realized:

I was angry at him for failing to meet my expectations of what was a decent friend/man. I expected him to be a friend while failing to realize that perhaps we will never be just friends considering the fact of our "past". I was angry at the fact that his text messages, chats and sweet gestures shook my current romantic relationship...that I actually considered going out with him again. I was angry because I still liked him. I was angry because it proved that I was still weak. I was angry at myself for letting myself believe that there was still this possibility that we could actually date again and finally be together as a real couple.

I have to accept these things. I have to accept and forgive myself. I'm just human...a woman. I have to weed the bad guys out of my life and trust my instincts. I have to accept some things and some people will never change. And the only way I'll stop hurting myself is if I change the way I see these people.

My ego was hurt very bad. Good thing is I did not go through with going out with him. Finally I now know that we can never be good friends and never be a couple. I just have to accept the fact. And again, move on.

"It's okay to make mistakes while growing up."

Just leave and cut your losses.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 10:22 PM / |

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* Saturday, October 11, 2008 *

  Life Has Been Different...Until Now.

I haven't blogged here for almost a year because of the workshops/seminar that I have attended. Most of my entries in this blog are those you could call, "Victim Stories". Stories wherein you felt helpless and a victim of circumstance.

Recently, the man I wanted to hand from a tree has become a friend. We were no longer dating but remained nice to each other whenever we did bump into each other. Sadly, I caught him lying to me about his current affairs. He would ask me if I was committed to someone and who I was seeing. I was always candid about it. And as I have always been...I was dating but not committed. Naturally, I would ask him back. And he would claim the same. Upon stumbling upon one of his "networking" sites I discovered that the girl he was just dating was actually his girlfriend. The girl calls him baby and posts pictures of them together and the gifts they exchange. I was furious. I wasn't furious he had a girlfriend per se. I was just furious he wouldn't admit it to me.

It took me a while for me to forgive him and become my friend because of what happened in the past. I don't see the point of lying when I told him before that I don't intend to hang out with him anymore. It's so frustrating. My friends tell me its because he still wants to hang out and he knows telling me he did have a girlfriend would actually kill the chance of that happening. Oh well. Some scumbags never change. Too bad I liked this one.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 11:22 PM / |

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* Wednesday, October 24, 2007 *

  Saying Goodbye

To those who are close to me you guys know that the drama of my life is often about people leaving me and my struggle to finally let go.

This week it was I who left and let go of someone whom I really liked and cared for. I made the choice to leave the "relationship" swiftly (he didn't see it coming) so that I couldn't change my mind anymore. I thought I would feel extremely happy after making my choice. I was wrong. I became sad. I'm sad that I might not see him any more. Ever. I would consider myself lucky if he would even talk to me.

He hates me right now for sure. And no matter what I say to myself...I actually care that he hates me now. I'm sad that we may never be friends.

I still care. But I had to let him go. If I held on much longer perhaps I would have never let him go and that would have meant disaster. Hindi ko talaga kaya ang drama na "you and me against the world".

I feel that I'm worthy of a relationship that doesn't fall under the "it's complicated" category. That's why I had to let go of this one.

But I'm still sad. Making the right decision wasn't easy.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 10:39 PM / |

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* Sunday, October 14, 2007 *

  Yes, I'm Not Hanging You From A Tree Anymore

I thought the bar exams was already an emotional rollercoaster. I was wrong. The past 5 days was really an emotional rollercoaster. The bar's emotionally roller coaster had a few loops and 2-3 major drops. On the other hand, this one that i rode recently had drops that I couldn't count anymore and loops which seemed never ending...in 4 straight days. Basically, it was a process of confronting my past and confronting MYSELF.

I realized that the hardest person to confront is oneself.

My dear friend Mark had been making me "kulet" to attend OCCI's Advance Leadership Course. It costs a good amount of money but he shouldered the expense. It didn't make sense to me at that time why my friend would spend thousands of pesos to make me attend such a program. After the 4 days I knew why. It was like a retreat and a leadership seminar all rolled into one.

For the first time in a long time I can say again that I know who I am. It was an amazing and spiritual experience. I discovered what was not working in my life. And why my relationships with friends and family are in the state that they are in right now.

It was so emotional that I would throw up every time I arrived at this great realization about what was not working in my life. In the past 4 days I've come to terms with most of my fears and feelings. The biggest achievement for me was actually being able to forgive myself and forgive someone who I thought I would never forgive. I forgave and even showed him my love (as a friend of course). I didn't plan it. It just happened. And I was happy that I had the courage to actualy tell him that I was very hurt with what he did. I did this in person...face to face. I would have not done this under pre-seminar circumstances. With that I was set free from my anger and I was happy.

I am far from resolving my hundred and one issues but at least now I know how I can start dealing with them. And I discovered that the simple answer is to deal with it in a loving, honest and accepting way.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 9:55 PM / |

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* Wednesday, September 26, 2007 *

  I Want to Hang You From a Tree

You convinced me to date you even when I was taking the bar exams.

You told me you'd be reasonable. You were. You did let me study. We would only go out when I was done with my quota for the day.

And then one day you come back from your recording in Batangas and decided that you had too many personal issues to deal with.

I tried to be nice and supportive. But then you just disappeared.

I was too busy to get an explanation. I was too busy and too proud to try to fix something which I wasn't sure was broken or not. There were days I wondered if I made a misstep.

Yesterday, after what i had to deal with on my own, you apologize for leaving me hanging. You tell me you feel bad and that you're sorry. Great! you didn't even wish me good luck for the bar.
Asshole!

Sure you're sorry but it just means u did it on purpose. I'm not forgetting the anxiety you caused me during bar review. I don't think I'm ever gonna fogive you. Ever.

Sweet Little IceQueen wished upon a star at 9:12 AM / |

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