The past 7 days have been the most eventful. The fastest way of sharing is to break it down into topic.

Back at "The" Ateneo:

People said my curly hair wasn't bad. I'm so happy about my new look. It symbolizes my fresh start with my new block, new boarding house and new year in school.


My first day with a new section wasn't that bad at all. True I was a complete introvert and stranger but I actually enjoyed the thought of being "mysterious" and "alone". Surprisingly, the people in that block that I thought would least care that I existed were even those who were friendly towards me. The block was a mix of Section A & B from the previous year. Thus, the professors had the impression that 2A was a brillant block...whoa pressure!

I commend the block for being so organized considering that its a fusion of 2 prominent sections. Academically, they don't intend poor souls like me to remain clueless about school requirements.

As expected many were surprised with my transfer of section. I gave the same answer. What else, but my new "racket"! I'm anticipating the result of Ate Michelle's TSE result so that I can confidently continue to tutor TSE takers. Some of our classmates admit that 2D (1F) remains to be full of tension...this situation isn't being helped by the fusion of 1E. I hope eventually things will turn out better for 2D. I hope the former classmates who are dear to me will continue to have the strength to ignore the things happening around them.

I'm happy that some of my friends who I thought won't be in ateneo this sem are still in ateneo.

I am happy to announce that DSWS is already open. I'm glad that I actually have a non-academic activity that I engage in. Well...not completely outside lawschool but non-academic nonetheless. Jane, Mike, Portia, Kaye, Rhys and I are the first DSWS volunteers. I'm having so much fun spending time with them.


On Love:


Jan broke up with me. He said I failed to listen to his deepest problems and insecurities...and instead my words were not encouraging and were hurtful. He said I should have listened. This means..."No talk, just listen and say you'll be okay". The problem was this isn't my way of listening to a loved one. I tend to suggest and even challenge the other person to do something about it. Basically I didn't fit his description of a good listener...ergo not a good enough GF. I was shocked. It didn't make sense to me. I DIDN'T see it coming at all because for me anything BUT cheating and falling out of love CAN BE FIXED or MANAGED in time. For Jan, it was already the end of the line. He said that since he can't get me to listen then he'll try to fix his parent(s)-related problems first...then maybe eventually be ready to commit again. I was devastated. I almost begged that I be given a second chance. I felt like rag thrown out of the window. I felt that all my other efforts towards the relationship was undermined because I couldn't fulfill my role as a typical best friend. He said that he aches to be heard by the one he loves.

The following day I was angry and depressed. Were it not for my mini-fieldtrip to JASMS with my gradeschool friends...then I would have spent the whole day crying. By the time evening came, I sent him "panunumbat" messages. I couldn't hide my hurting anymore. Glenn was trying so bad to comfort me. Those who knew my problem were saying that it was his loss. Sadly, deep in my heart I knew that i was my loss as well even if Jan had shortcomings with time and attention. He knew me more than I knew myself most of the time. He acted as my guide though he was younger in age. More than those reasons I knew that I really loved him and I wanted us to work.

That same night I told him that I was ready to LISTEN. When he heard that he told me he was willing to take me back. I refused. I told him that the only way I could listen to him right now the way he wanted me to was for me to think not as a GF. Because as a GF I was always overly concerned and even critical. He was in shock. He couldn't understand how difficult it was for me just to listen. I stuck to my decision. Furthermore, I told him that he should deal with his family issues first...because for as long as these problems persist then I shall be listening to the same things over and over again and this doesn't change anything in the long term. In the folowing days he understood why I refused to commit again.

I miss him so much. When I saw him last saturday at Libis I tried my best to be civil. No, its not that I was to slap him or something. It was just awkward. I wanted to be friends with him badly. But he said that he can't treat me as a friend right now because he still loves me. During that evening, he asked me if he could hold my hand for one last time. I was hesitant and first but I eventually gave in. He was trembling and teary-eyed. I felt it and I felt the same. I felt both strong love and pain. I didn't want to let go of his hand because its the most comforting feeling but I knew that we had to deal with our issues separately. I was torn. Then and there I realized that what I felt for him is something that will not disappear anytime soon for as long as I am still in touch with him.

Once in a while I still tell him that I love him. I tell him that I tell this without expecting an answer. He said that when he replies he says i love you on his own accord. This is comforting to know. Its funny that he still tells me that he is still mine considering he was the one who broke up with me.

At this point in time I really don't know what to expect from Jan. For all I know he can change his mind about me again. All I can do is hope for the best. More than getting together again...I wish him happiness within himself...so that the next girl he commits to would get lots of happiness and love.

This afternoon, jan got stabbed by a hold-upper. I was in shock when I got the text from him. The scary thing was he didnt provoke the attacker because he wasn't the one being held up. It was his female classmate whom he warned to transfer seats in the jeepney because he saw that the hold upper was starting to execute his modus operandi. When the hold-upper realized that his plan was foiled...upon going down the jeep he stabbed jan's leg. Thank God it was only a 2 cm wound. What was really disturbing was that the criminal was unprovoked. I just hope jan would dwell more on the thought that he's lucky to be alive. The whole afternoon he was thinking, "I could have been dead if that guy wanted to stab me on the chest because he hurt me without being provoked at all". Its a valid thought really because its true...that guy could have been crazier. I just hope he'd also think of how lucky he was more often.

If something really bad happened to jan I just know how I would react. I saw it vividly in a dream.

Yup, last week (exactly last week) I texted jan (even after he dumped me) that I had a vivid dream (in color and with sound!) that a stranger stabbed him and he didn't provoke the attacker. He fell on the ground and I ran to him. He was bleeding and I took him in my arms. I was screaming that I loved him so much and that he shouldn't leave me. In my dream I saw him die in my arms...creepily with eyes even slightly open. I was so disturbed with that dream that I told him about it through text (even when it was only less than 24 hours since he broke up with me) and mentioned it again over the weekend after we met in Libis. When I called him this afternoon to check up on him he told me jokingly, "may silbi pala yung dream mo about me getting stabbed".

Haaay...mahal ko talga siya. It gets so annoying sometimes.

I'LL LIVE.